It's dark as a dungeon in here, the only light and sound coming from some show that I have ignored which is the only reason it is still tuned to that channel. Give me a second here and I'll tune to CNN for some background noise.
I haven't bothered to switch on a light. The darkness is comforting and doesn't stimulate me to stay awake. The first numerals I saw on that clock in the bedroom as I rolled to the right and swung my legs over the bed, it was 0230. I didn't really want to get up that early but the brain was engaged and rolling ahead of me so I had to get up and follow it.
It is now 0400 and about 30 minutes ago the husband could be heard passing through the kitchen then back to the hall bath. "Don't make any coffee. You need to go back to sleep." he grumbles as he heads back to the bedroom.
I made the coffee. It won't keep me from napping. I'll have a cup or two and catch up on the news.
We made the drive to Breaux Bridge yesterday to see the tax guy. The husband is very depressed but then he always is this time of year. He is contracted and he doesn't pay quarterly taxes so he pays everything for the entire year by April 15th. Forty Five Thousand in Federal taxes and Forty Five Hundred to the State of Louisiana.
It takes him a few days to digest this and he puts off writing that check until he settles himself with it.
Every year I have to tell him "Go get a minimum wage job and you won't owe so much money. We will probably even get some back!"
He scrowls at me. My input was not appreciated. I just stay out of his way while he goes through his grieving process. I never get upset because I expect it. I just assume that the government will get their share, so write the check and move on!
Wanda stayed over with her family in Duncan, SC. last night. They should be in Gulf Shores in 12 hours but I have no clue on when they will get up, in the car and on the road this morning.
I will be doing a lot of rearranging in the bedrooms and getting those rooms ready for these guests. They will be here on Wednesday. I will be on my liquid diet getting prepped for the surgery that is being done on Thursday.
The colon resect and the three to four hospital stay will be my future. I'll be glad when this is done and we can get to the next step.
Emotionally, I am becoming more stable. The shock of the diagnosis is being ingested and dealt with though I still get the shaky voice when I get a flood of overwhelming thoughts that causes fear and anxiety. This is just the stage I am going through right now and hopefully it will level out.
I'm researching plastic surgeons now. It gives me something to do and is a positive sign for me. I'm looking toward the future. I started out wanting a bilateral mastectomy but after more research, I am going to talk to my doctor about a unilateral with a breast reduction on the other side. Less trauma to the body. Of course this won't be for months yet but I want to prepare mentally and emotionally for this. By the time it's a reality, I should be stable as a rock.
I have moments now..even hours where the thoughts of this change in my live is shoved to the back and I can go outside and spend time with the bunny. I can have a phone conversation with friends and follow the husband to Walmart. The husband seldom leaves me alone for long periods of time. I think he senses when alone the depression hits.
As soon as the surgery is done and I'm home, he will have to start scheduling jobs for himself. I won't be doing anything but recuperating from that surgery for a few weeks. Then getting the chemo is something I can do by myself. I have April that can accompany me should I feel the need to have someone around.
Things are getting easier emotionally. I expect as time passes it will only get better and better.