Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I'm still doing the exercises. I do notice a little improvement in movement which is encouraging; though I have to repeat the stretches to keep that movement and not start losing what I've gained.
I've also been watching TV and when I find a movie that is just starting, I watch it. I used to have this awful habit, or so I've been told, of watching a movie that had already been playing for an hour. I am trying to break that habit. I only tune in if it is just starting. It sure makes more sense that way. (grinning)
This is just a short post to note the day. I'm in the middle of my movie here and I want to see the ending!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I walked to the kitchen and got something to drink and took my morning vitamins and aspirin (blood thinner). Not too bad a trip. I continued to walk around for a while to loosen the knee up a bit then back to the sofa for some computer time and phone time with my sister.
We are looking for D-Links to become wireless. I'm wireless; it's sister that is trying to become wireless. We inspected D Links found on EBay and Googled megabytes per second speed available on the D Links. I think she has made a decision on what she wants to order.
I got off the phone and watched TV for a bit then did some leg lift exercises and soon I will sit in the elevated office chair and do some flexion. I'm pain free right now and can actually walk around the house with a very minor limp. I still need to get more extension and it might have to be done with weights.
I just got my shower and I'm dressed. At least that task is easier to get accomplished. I can tell it's almost time for a Percoset. That's my next task and that will take me right to nap time!
Happy Day Everyone.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I got home and put away the groceries. I figure the more I walk the more the muscles will rebuild. I may regret this tomorrow morning. I'm going to take another Percoset and stay off my feet the remainder of this day. I've done enough walking.
My mood? Well, compared to this morning I suppose it's better. I'm not promising I won't have another meltdown. Day by day and one following another.
Carrie was not herself today either. She has caught a cold and is stuffy and congested. Listless would be the best way to describe her today. We did quiet activities. She was comfortable watching her movies and having books read to her. When it was time for her nap, she didn't argue. She was ready to rest for a while.
It's time for me to take a night long break and that is something I'm looking forward to.
This may not be a pleasant post. This is how I feel 3wks. post op.
Clinically I can say, the swelling in the knee has decreased until an exercise session. After exercising it becomes warm, reddened and swollen again. I do the extension stretches. The ligament at the back of the knee burns as it is being stretched. It burns and hurts. I give it a lapse and do it again. It becomes almost straight. The leg I mean. I can then stand up and walk without a limp. As soon as I sit down and flex the leg, then try to stand, I find I've lost the extension I had just gained. This is very frustrating. This frightens me.
When first getting out of bed in the morning, the knee is very stiff. It doesn't extend nor flex and the hamstrings and quads are screaming out in protest. They have been relaxed all night. Getting up in the morning is painful. I have to spend about 1/2 hr. stretching the muscles in order to stand and walk.
I had a minor meltdown this morning. I was just getting out of the shower when I heard the phone ringing. I knew there was no way I was going to get to the phone. By the time I got into the living room, the house phone had stopped and my cell phone was ringing. I did get to the cell to answer it.
My sister in law from Arizona was calling. Chris is a very positive person. She has just supported her husband through a total knee replacement. She was the perfect person for me to talk to this morning. I told her how frustrated I was feeling. I told her how I thought this was as good as it was going to get; I was fearful of never having this leg any where near normal again. I was tearful thought this whole exchange.
She listened quietly. She let me vent then she told me her husband had the same feelings as he was healing. He had the same issues with the pain and not being able to get out of bed in the mornings. The muscles not extending and flexing; the frustration and depression. The feelings that the leg would always be painful and never back to a normal walk.
I think I needed to hear this. To know that John (her husband) had the same worries about the knee. I shall be 4 weeks post op this coming Monday. I still have time. A year is required for full healing and maximum usage.
I took a Percoset this morning. I usually stay away from the pain meds till the evening. Chris suggested I take one before I get out of bed in the morning. She's right. That is one of the major painful times. I'll try that for a while.
Talking to Chris this morning was what I needed. Just hearing that John had the same feelings; that this was going to get better was better then any medicine I could take. I may need another pep talk. She has promised to call in a couple of days!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I listen to them blame all our current woes on this new administration; an administration that is barely 60 days old. This is the story they tell themselves; nothing is going to change their views. They need someone to be angry with; this administration is it. This is their fantasy. No amount of reasoning will change one iota of what they want to believe.
I am amazed that any Republican politician has the nerve to criticize the current administration. What did they do on their watch? How much respect, management, concerns over health care and education were addressed on their watch? If they had a better answer then the current administration, what were they waiting for? They had the past 8 years in office to exercise their options and solve some of these problems.
The clean up crew is here. What a job they have. How much time will they be allotted?
It takes at least 6months to build a house. This administration might need a little more time then this to clean up the house left to them.
I'm watching way too many news reports; I'm going to curtail the time I spend tuned to CNN. Enough is enough. I'm full. I'm overflowing and I need a break.
Now where is that cartoon DVD?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I'm sitting here waiting on Carrie and watching the morning news. The weather has been forecast to be full of rain and no sunshine. That leaves indoor activities for all of us today. Carrie has plenty of books and toys to keep her entertained. If that fails, she has her Poppie to entertain her. She already thinks her Poppie is her playmate. She commandeers all his time when she is here. She mimics everything he does and says. They sing commercials. He changes the words to the commercial songs so they apply to her. Sometimes she doesn't know what the words mean. He has been singing "Roll, em , roll em, roll em, RAWHIDE!!" to her and she sings back "roll em, roll em, roll em , RAWHI". When asked what Rawhide was she replies "mitt " a true BS explanation. She always gives an answer even if she has to make it up. I have no clue where she gets the B.S. ability. Hubby blames it on me. I reject that!
Yesterday she chastised her Poppie for making noise. She said "my baby is sleeping". Poppy asked where her baby was and she laid her hand across her stomach and said "here, here in my stomach". When asked how the baby got there she replied "I don' t know". Sometimes she is the infant and sometimes she is the parent.
Sometimes she is the Princess, sometimes she is the mermaid who can't walk on land because she has no feet. All the time she enjoys her little fantasy worlds. A happy child is she. Happy in her Happy Land.
When I think about it, I know a few adults that live carefree in their own Happy Land.
They pick and choose the stories they want to believe; they don't question any inconsistencies but prefer instead to believe what makes their life most pleasant. I remember a few times in my younger life doing this. Yes, I did. I also learned it didn't make it so. I prefer to not waste time which is what I had been doing. I prefer to face "it" head on and move on. I have a difficult time listening to the adult living in their Happy Land. I wonder as I'm listening to them if they know, really know, and prefer to stubbornly reinterate over and over the fantasy. If everyone around them recognizes the fantasy, then they should also? I'm embarrassed for them. I wonder if I'm contributing to their fantasy by not confronting them with some red flags that have been waved. Do they not see the red flags? Do they see them but wish to ignore? Is the truth something they can't bear facing? I'm at a loss. I have no answer. I sit and watch. I prefer not to have to listen too often though. It's not easy keeping that stunned look off my face.
I'm off to see what today has to offer.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Today I'm laying around with an ice pack on my knee. When the swelling subsides, I'll do some more exercises. Right now I can't determine if I'm making any progress at all. Some days I can walk without discomfort but today is not that day.
Brusided, swollen and reddened. That's my day. Another Percoset taken and I"m drowsy. I've napped on and off all morning. That just about covers all my plans for today. Icepak, Percoset and naps.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I"m still doing exercises but feel I should be doing more. This is week 3 post op and smokeless. When I get antsy and depressed, I don't know whether to blame it on the knee or my wanting a smoke. Facing two major challenges at the same time may not have been the wisest move on my part.
I'm in too far to turn back now. I try to read about other people in rehab and sometimes that helps with perspective. Most of what I read reinforces the time I need to get back to normal. That helps. Sometimes I think I should have progressed farther with ROM; reading other stories of rehab I realize this could be 11 months of rehab. Not too different then the other two times I've been down this lane.
I decided yesterday to take the car and go for a ride. That went ok but when it was time to get out of the car and go into a store, I decided there wasn't anything I really needed so I just drove back home. The knee had a burn going on and I was just happy to be back to the house. Some days are better then others. Some days it hurts less then others.
Nothing big or new to publish. I'm just hanging in here.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The problem is, as soon as I sit down and work on flexion by pulling the foot back toward my body; then I feel like I lose the extension I had been working on. I can't straighten my leg again without going through the extension exercises once again.
Maybe this is what has to be done over and over to get the flexion and extension I need. Maybe in 3 months of doing these exercises I will be able to walk normally?
I wish I knew for certain that this is a matter of time and persistence. I've been down this road before. You would think I would be more confident of the rehab I'm doing. This is different. This is a prosthetic; not a normal part of my body. It's a machine like device implanted. It's just different.
I"m off to take a walk; I just did the extension exercise and my leg is straight for now which means I can walk without a limp.
Oh, one other thing. If I miss your phone call do not be offended. It takes me forever to get to the phone. Sometimes I don't even bother trying to get to it. Sometimes I'm asleep with the phone ringers turned off. I take a Percoset to do my exercises, then I sleep. I sleep a lot it seems and with no rhyme or reason on the times I sleep. I don't choose my sleep times. I sleep when the urge strikes.
On that note, I'm off to take a walk before I pass out again.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Next chore is sitting down in the bath water. With one hand braced on each side of the tub, I kicked out my right leg to almost full extension and standing on my left leg only I lowered myself down into the water.
AH! It felt wonderful. I played in the tub like a 3yr old Carrie would. I sat and soaked and then scrubbed with Dial soap. I was in no hurry to get out of the tub and since I had no idea how I was going to get out of that tub, I just enjoyed.
The time finally arrived. My skin was starting to wrinkle. It must be time to get out.
I thought I had it figured out. I placed my hands on each side of the tub, pulled my left leg toward my body, planted my foot and tried to heave myself one legged to a standing position. What was I thinking? I didn't come close to a standing position.
Ok, rest break and then try something else. The water is starting to cool down.
This time, I lift my right leg (the one with the new knee) and swing it up and over the edge of the tub. I'm still sitting in the tub but now my right leg is over the edge of the tub and stiffly pointing to the ceiling. I start inching my self up the side of the tub while pushing with my left leg and hands. Finally I can get to the side of the tub and sit on the rim of it. Another break is needed. I'm slippery and exhausted. Was a bath worth all this? NO and I will rethink doing this again.
Now I have to find a dry unslippery area of the tub to place my hands so I can push myself to a standing position. I grab a robe and wrap up in it and get out of the bathroom and to the sofa. I need a long rest and a nap!
Tomorrow I will be satisfied with a shower. I don't see a bath in my future for a while.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Today was my 2wk post op appointment with the ortho surgeon. The sutures were removed and some x rays taken; I can now take a bath or shower without using garbage bags and duct tape. I can use cocoa butter on the suture line and I will; it surely needs it.
He said the flexion was great but the extension not so great. I'll do some exercises and do some work on it. He was pleased with the progress all in all and I will see him again in a month.
We went to Dwyers' for lunch and sat outside. The weather is a perfect high 70's and no humidity. I love Spring. It only hangs out here for a week then it goes directly to HOT!
I'm outta here to get my razor and shaving creme and do a little upkeep on my leg.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Do you know how pissed off I would be if a family member who is in charge of my well being watched me going through difficult times and they smugly said "I have plans for you. Something better will come along." Now this family member thinks that maybe sharing that plan with me might just relief some pressure from my life? I'm sure that lady on the news feels that God IS a family member. I'm wondering how long she plans on waiting to hear the good news he has planned for her? All the catastrophes will be blamed on who? I'm always slack jawed in amazement when I listen to these people's reasoning. Denial must be a class they teach in theology school and is quickly instilled in each ministers' congregations. Anything good, yeah Jesus ; slaughtered nations, children and adults? Injuries, illness and disease? God's will! How do people learn to swallow this fantasy? What happened to deductive reasoning?
Still smokeless, antsy, anxious, deprived, depraved and depressed.
Ok. Not really depressed but I needed a "d" word.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I did do some work on the new knee. I moved the office chair back in the living room and then cranked it up to the highest position. From that high chair I could dangle my leg and work on moving it back toward the chair for flexion. I really should use that chair to sit in as it lets my leg stay in a 90 degree position plus standing up is much easier from that chair then from the sofa which sits lower.
Thursday is my appointment with my doctor. I will be working on more flexion. I'm not too worried right now. At 3months post op, I should have the muscles stronger in that leg. Right now it's way to early to expect any significant changes. I think walking daily does the most for building muscle strength.
I remain smoke free. I have a visual image of myself on how I feel about this. I keep seeing that cat with claws extended and hanging from the ceiling. I think that just about describes how I feel. I feel as though I'm on a tightrope and I'm barely hanging on. This is not how I feel all the time; its how I feel when a craving hits. They really don't happen that often but are very intense when they do happen.
Back to the television and some isometric exercises.
Yesterday I decided to take a shortcut on wrapping my leg prior to getting into the shower. I'm here to tell you, this was not a good idea. It sounded perfectly workable and much easier then stuffing my leg in a garbage bag and duct taping it to make it waterproof. My idea was to wrap it in Saran Wrap. It works for bowls in the fridge but sad to say, it doesn't work for legs in the shower. My shower was short lived after I discovered the Saran Wrap wasn't keeping my leg dry. Yesterday I got 1/2 a shower; today I will try for a full shower with lots of ooohs and ahhhs as I enjoy every bit of the hot water I plan on using. I'll garbage bag my leg and enjoy this shower.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I do notice a difference; an improvement since surgery. I can sometimes lift the leg vertically which is something I couldn't do when the PT had me try that at the hospital.
I need to not expect too much too soon. I need patience. I also need a long hot shower and today is "shower day".
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Maybe it's withdrawal? Usually some where into the second week of being without nicotine I go on a crying binge and maybe that's what today is all about.
Carrie spent the night. She didn't want to go home. Around 10PM we headed for the bedroom where she sleeps. I laid down with her till she went to sleep then I got up and headed for the sofa in the living room. I didn't go to my bedroom because Carrie usually awakens at 3 AM and finds me in my bed. She gets into bed with me and hubby has to leave because between her snoring and my snoring he can't sleep. To circumvent this, I just sleep on the sofa and when she gets up she joins me on the sofa. This morning she gets up and finds me on the sofa. She climbs up and puts her head on the pillow. She tells me I can't lay beside her because I will be in the way. She wants to watch cartoons. I informed the little princess that we wouldn't be watching any TV. She immediately goes to sleep and I'm left listening to her snore.
I grabbed my blanket and moved to the chair and 1/2 and tried to find a comfortable position.
I ended up with my legs over the back of the chair, body draped over the seat cushion with my head on a pillow on the diagonal near the arm of the chair. It really wasn't uncomfortable at all. I watched TV for a while and finally drifted back to sleep. Maybe the sleeping arrangements have contributed to my mood today. Maybe I'm just tired and need a good nights' sleep on a full flat mattress.
I'm sure today isn't a crappy day. I can see the sun shining, the grass got nature watered yesterday and today it is bright green and lush looking. I have a pot of gumbo cooking.
I'm just not used to being in a crappy mood. Maybe going back to bed and sleeping through this is what I need.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I can feel that some of the soreness is starting to leave my knee now. The soreness from the surgical cuts are fading. I'm still swollen to about 4 times the size of an ordinary knee but that will pass in time.
Day o9 on smokeless. I think I've left a couple of teeth marks on the coffee table. I'm hanging in there.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I have to keep telling myself that I can't smoke one and that be the end of it. I've been there, done that. I thought the last time I quit that after a while I could surely have just one. Just one was great. The next day I had another plus two and by the third day I was up to a pack a day and quitting was in the past tense.
I can never just put them down when I want to quit. I have to have a "helper" to get past those first three days. Once it was breathing treatments that kept me away from the cigarettes for those first three days. This time it was having access to a Dilaudid drip. I have to stay free this time. I don't know the next time I will have something available to get me through those first three days.
AnyWAY, today is day o8. I'm shooting for day 14 as a goal. I'll reset that goal to "a month", "three months" and so on as I progress down this particular path in my life.
Have a pink lung sorta day!
Grandmother whom we called Nana, was a short, not always rotund lady with merry blue eyes and silver crinkly hair. Her hair wasn't always silver and I remember when she used our friend Lady Clairol to reestablish the color of her youth. I didn't know the young Nana. The one that owned a red velvet sidesaddle; the one that rode the most spirited horse and was known throughout the country as an excellent horsewoman. I didn't know the petite, svelte young dark haired beauty except for the old photos I would see of her. I'm sure she was still there somewhere but as with all of us, those memories and self snapshots get pushed to the rear as life with children and responsibilities, burdens and coping lap into the present and future. I loved the Nana I knew.
The road to Nana's house was unpaved, ungraveled and little more then a narrow path which started about 2 miles from the main road and wound round and round and up and up. Nana's house was at the most "up" part of the property. There were numerous gates to open and close, hills, curves and ruts to navigate to finally arrive at Nana's. From the curves on the way there, you could catch glimpses of the house sitting on the highest point and you knew Nana was watching that road for the first signs of our arrival. She loved having her grandchildren visit.
Weekends Nana usually had fried chicken, thick gravy for the mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, and peas and biscuits and butter and jelly. I can remember her and her daughter in laws all in the kitchen preparing the Sunday meal. The children were served their food and then the adults sat together for their meal. I don't remember cleaning up after the meal so I must have been too young or else there were so many daughter in laws there that the children were left to play with their cousins outside.
I don't remember my grandmother ever being angry with us. We spent lots of time with her during summer school vacation. There was always one or two spending their summer vacation with her and Grandpa. I remember the walks we took every afternoon. I remember the sound of her feet crunching the small rocks in the road as we walked. That sound is what I remember from those walks.
We worked in the gardens and picked fresh vegetables for our meals. Nana never really made us work. We picked just enough vegetables for the meal we were having. I remember sitting with her and hulling peas or peeling potatoes. It never felt like a chore.
We took a nap every afternoon. I would lie alongside my grandmother on the sofa as she watched "As The World Turns" and both of us would drift off to sleep. I slept with my head on her stomach listening to all the gurgling sounds; sounds I would pretend were musical.
I have memories in bits and pieces; some clear and some wrapped in gauze. Today is Nana's birthday and each year I remember that clearly.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Almost. I must learn more patience. Patience with the healing process. I must learn to me more grateful. Grateful for what I can do this far along in the process.
.....I can bathe myself
.....I can walk short distances
.....I can care for myself albeit slowly
.....I have pain relief
and I have a good excuse to laze around.
I must make a decision this week. Do I want to do the rehab on this myself or go to a facility. All the muscles and the skin are bruised and sore. The incision site is sore.
If I go to a facility, they will push rehab for as long as insurance pays for it. I think my coverage pays for two weeks of rehab which means they will not take their time; it will be rushed and pain be damned. If I do this myself, I can do it as tolerated. Will I regain full flexion/extenstion? If I had months of rehab time alloted, the therapists would bring that knee along slowly but since insurance companies rarely afford that much rehab time the therapy will be timed accordingly.
Decisions, decisions. Another option is to work on it myself for a month then do a two week stint in rehab. By the time they get me, most of the surgical soreness should be gone plus I will have been doing rehab on it and they can just finish it off.
I may wait till my appointment with my doctor and discuss it with him meanwhile I will be doing as much as I want to tolerate with it.
Oh; 1 full week and still smokeless as of this posting.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Hubby was having a fit; he was afraid I would fall and ruin the knee. I did fine.
The weather here is awesome. Sunny and warm and I have the a/c running. Sometimes I go out to the front porch and sit at the little table there that holds an ashtray and still has the last pack of cigarettes I had opened. I eye that pack of cigarettes and I miss the action of smoking. I don't reach for that pack of cigarettes because there are so many other things about smoking that I don't like. I hope I can stick to my resolve to quit. I have quit today; tomorrow I will have to deal with when it gets here. I'm thinking about hiring someone to come in and shampoo the living room furniture. I would do it myself but I have this little knee condition that I'm dealing with right now.
This coming week I will set up a rehab schedule. I'll have exercises that I will do in 15 reps each and for an hour a day. If I am going to do this myself, then I'll have to have as professional approach to it as possible. I'm sure my surgeon will expect to see some progress at our next visit.
Right now I start off using the walker till my knee loosens up a bit then I can truck around all over the place without the walker. Still smokeless and that's a daily report as it could change quickly.
I'm going to take a nap. It's noon after all.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I feel fresher but the day they give me permission to take a real shower will be the day I actually feel CLEAN. The doctor wants no moisture on the incision site. I'm sure he wants to take no chances of an infection at the surgical site. I've thought about taping a black lawn garbage bag to the top of my leg using duct tape. I can't see how any water could get to the incision site. I might rig up something for tomorrows bath/shower.
I make short trips without my walker. I'm getting braver. I'm supposed to do full weight bearing on it and when I don't use the walker, I am putting my full weight on the knee.
On another note, we noticed this morning that someone had stopped by sometime last night and riffed through my Grand Marquis and the Corolla. All the stuff in the glove boxes were strewn all over the cars. I think they were kids looking for Ipods, cameras and games. Hubby's truck was locked up so they didn't get into it. My neighbor said they had went through his boat too. This happens occasionally; it's been years since the last time this happened.
I'm off to fix some lunch and then a nap.
Friday, March 6, 2009
I showed her my leg; she could see how big it was and commented on that. I told her she couldn't bump into my leg, and she had to be careful if she wanted to get on the sofa with me. She immediately went into care taker mode. She covered me with a blanket, put my sock back on my foot and got her stethoscope and bp cuff to check me out. If I could just teach her to be rude and have a super inflated ego, I think she might just be excellent doctor material.
I'm on day 5 of my self imposed smoke out. It's not too bad right now. I think about them but it's really not that often. Hubby will suddenly disappear for a while and it takes me a few minutes to realize that he is outside having a smoke. My tongue has sore spots and my lips have sore areas from the lack of nicotine. This is all normal and will disappear in a few days. My breathing is always too shallow when I quit smoking. I think when smoking I intentionally inhale deeply on the cigarette and without that cigarette, I inhale shallow. That too will self correct.
It's time to do some exercises. Did I mention I hate doing them? If not, then I just did and now I must do them.
I tell myself in one month I won't have all this swelling in my knee and that I'll be able to use the muscles in my leg. One month, 30days aprox., 4 weeks, this is not a lifetime. I'm taking the Tylox so I spend a bit of time still woozy; makes it difficult to finish a blog. I've started this one and saved it only to come back and look at it a couple of times and decide I need to sleep not type.
I just took a couple more Tylox and I feel them already. I need a nap. (waving as she slips away)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
It's nice to get back to my house. I don't like staying in the hospital although I know some people that don't mind it at all. It's a holiday for them. I've always found it to be associated with pain which is not what a holiday is about.
I have a lot of soreness and swelling in that knee which makes it difficult to do range of motion exercises. I'll still do them but I'll go slow. I have two weeks till I have to see the surgeon again to have the staples removed. I'm using a walker to get around the house which isn't really that bad. I have full weight bearing on it.
Friday morning 5:10AM
I'm up and with the walker I made it to the bathroom and then to the coffee pot. After getting a cup of fresh brewed, I headed for the office computer. I have so much junk mail and other mail to go through. Since it's a "sitting activity" I'll put it on my list of "sitting jobs" to do.
I'm day 4 post op. Haven't had a cigarette since Monday and I haven't hurt anybody YET. My knee is still swollen and sore. I didn't expect anything less. I'm going to sit outside today on the patio with a good book and the warm temps and do nothing. That's my goal for today.
This picture taken to gross out my little sister. She has a weak stomach.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
If Terri would have noted no signs of life, she would have passed the message along to Jen the RN. I'm sure Jen had orders on what the next move would have been although I didn't ask. Jen was busy; I tried to stay out of her way. She is the keeper of the pump with all the la la juice. I figure anyone who controls this much power should be treated very nicely. Jen also poked so many holes in me I felt like a perforated roll of tissue paper.
This is Erika. She is a warrior in training. Soon she will hit the trenches along with fellow warriors armed with scissors, bandages and needles. Her days will be long and her patients too many. She shows all the signs of a good warrior. She poked a few holes through my skin and pushed liquid in too. She looked like she enjoyed doing this which is a sure sign that Erika would happily join the ranks along with her fellow prodders and pokers.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, cigarettes. I haven't tried often to quit, It was just too scary thinking about it. I usually broke out in a cold sweat when the subject came up. If I were around a crowd of people, I would quietly exit the room and have a smoke.The last time I tried to quit was after a respiratory event. Doesn't that sound so "right"? Basically I couldn't breath. I was wheezing, snorting and barking. Such attractive qualities one and three. Bronchitis. The doctor prescribed all kinds of meds and sent me home with a breathing machine. On Day 3 of being unable to breath I realized that I was on Day 3 of no cigarettes. Now we all know what that means? Well not much but a little.It has been said that it takes 3 days for all the nicotine to leave your system. WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The brain cell kicks in and I start to think that maybe the worst part is over. I can just maintain now. At this time I would like to say, the worst was NOT over.
Two weeks creep by with much of the time spent daydreaming about a footlong cigarette. Not every minute but a lot of em were spent fighting the urges. Eventually o8 months had passed and I seldom thought about one; I stress the word "seldom" and I was still not smoking. I remedied this later but suffice it to say, I made it o8 months.
The other time I tried was back in the ZigZag Days; the days of the little pipes and big bongs. Yep, I figured I could just light up one instead of a cigarette. That didn't work well at all. I would forget why I lit a doobie and light a cigarette anyway.
I'm still in the hospital. This is Day 3 of my internment. I have a pump of pain meds being delivered to a sheath running beside the nerve in my femor. This keeps me from screaming in pain which I like very much.
Another pump is in progress and on demand I can get Dilaudid. Every 12 minutes I can press that little button and get delivered some Dilaudid. This makes me itch and sometimes nauseated but hey, what's a little itching? I'm having a one person party here. Oh wait. I'm getting to the heart of my story here. If I'm not careful, I will lose my train of thought.
I really haven't felt much pain at all. I've been using the Dilaudid to fight the nicotine craving. I haven't felt any cravings but then I haven't let much time go by without punching that little button that delivers all that pleasure. That pump will be taken away today. I've got to use it for those 3 days I needed to get started. I'm going to try it again. I'll miss my friends. I'll miss sharing a smoke with all my smoker friends. Maybe we could meet over a chocolate bar?
It's never two late to start school and never too late to quit smoking.
If this is the drugs speaking I reserve all rights to delete this post and find my cigarettes and lighter.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I'm going to get a quick shower and get dressed. It will be time to go soon.
Strangely enough, I'm feeling quite calm now.
I'll get back to you in about 4 days unless I have my laptop bought to me in the hospital.
Thanks for all the well wishes. They were much appreciated!