Wavering, Not

I've cleaned and then cleaned some more. Organising and while doing all this, I tell myself it's because I'll be having this surgery soon and I won't be able to do this for two months at least. I'm beginning to think it's more then that. It might be that I'm cleaning with a vengeance. A vengeance against this surgery.

Today I purposely did not take anything for pain. I've found myself wavering about having this surgery and part of it is because with the anti inflammatory on board, the pain is not so intense. Today I needed to know that the problem is still there so I barged around continuing my marathon house keeping in preparation for this surgery and by the time 2000 hrs. rolled around, the pain was again back. Burning pain as though that spike was being driven in to the back of my heel. A huge bursa like swelling is present; warm to touch. You would think a year of this and I would be convinced that this surgery is necessary. I know I'm preparing for the worst; I went blissfully ignorant into the TKA. I wasn't prepared for all the rehab and confinement time of that surgery. I think, knowing what I do now about all the down time, will prepare me for this one. I don't take this sort of down time well.

If throwing a tantrum would do any good, I would. I'm that fustrated with this developement and there is nothing to do but to do what is scheduled on Mar.19th.

Maybe by then I'll be more accepting. Right now I'm off to stomp my feet and rage quietly.