Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Locked Down

I have decided to lock down this blog. It may be temporary or it may be permanent. I have my reasons.

I had a major meltdown yesterday. After the horrendous, voice stripping wailing, I went in to the soul ripping crying.

They can't "fix" me. I've known this all along but I wasn't ready to hear everything. I finally went in search of information on the Internet. I have Stage 3 colon cancer. With treatment, I may have 5 years. Maybe less. Oh, 5 yrs you say? Sit down and think about the last 5 yrs of your life and how fast it went. Sit down and imagine you know what your life span is. We aren't afforded that information when we are handed a new baby. It would cause most of us to go insane if we were tagged at birth with exactly how many years we had on this earth.

Suppose someone read your palm and said "hey buddy, tough news. looks like 4 yrs for you and your daughter's looks like about 3 years and months in change.

The doctors tell me about all the changes in cancer since I worked the oncology unit. Now I just nod and ignore them. Things haven't changed that much. There is no cure just an extension. That's the same thing we offered when I worked those floors.

I'm still taking the chemo,both infusion and oral. I still have the breast surgery in my future and I wonder why do all this. Why? Because like everyone else, I want to live as long as possible. I have no reason to rush off. To where?

Me and the devout are still at odds on how they can believe or at least espouse to believe in the afterlife and their love of God and how they fight and scream all the way to the grave. How much of a believer in those glorious promises made to them by their minister do they really believe. Shouldn't they be embracing the fact that they are going to meet their maker, dance with their friends and reunite with their loved ones?

I don't get it. I will have another visit with the oncologist next week for another infusion. I want to see the pathologist report on the colon tumor and see the grading on it. The P.A. said it was only staged at at 3 because of it's size. Does that mean there wasn't any lymph node involvement? Where does that put it on the grading system. I know it is staged at a 3 but they do staging AND grading. I've never been told what the grade is.

I try to move along with my life as though everything is normal. The treatment so far hasn't been intolerable. I can tell I have chemicals in my body as I'm very sensitive to anything I ingest. The squeamish stomach, at times gives me pause but all in all, I don't exhibit any outward signs of what is going on inside my body.

I usually brush off any inquiries about my condition. I don't want to have people uncomfortable around me and the big "C" word is not the way to brighten a conversation.

I'm going to try to catch another couple hours of sleep. This shouldn't be posted for public viewing. The lock down should prevent that. I'll be checking to make sure it's now a private blog.

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