Walking the Fine Line

That last breath inhaled,  you raise the gun to your head. Are you debating about the best placement to do the deed or did you do some research on the exact spot you needed to press the barrel into the soft spot chosen.

Was that final thought about who you were leaving behind and how they would feel? Would they haunt themselves with questions on the "whys" of what you did, take too much blame upon themselves for your actions when they didn't have an input into what was happening. Do you see the misery that will soon envelope those left behind and for the remainder of their life, questions and self disgust for what warnings they must have missed? The questions, the anger and the selfishness of this one moment will impact those closest to you for the remainder of their lives. Is it fair that their lives will be tainted by their guilt over this? Do you blame them for the anger they are barely containing. Anger at an act that is irrevocable. An act that gnaws at emotions ragged from the heartbreak of the loss; the loss initiated by you. Sometimes the anger is more prevalent then the sorrow.

A cowards exit is sometimes heard. He left all the bad things behind for everyone else to cope with and pick up the pieces of what is left of their shattered life. A widow who will be asked many times  the same question. What happened? She won't have an answer. She will search the past and present, looking for clues. Looking for things she perceives as little hints of what was to come. The exhaustion from the searching will leave her drained and frustrated. The questioning looks from the remaining remnants of the family, the whispers to each other as they pass questions from one to another along with speculations of what could have prompted this roll around the room for the next few months then these same questions will reappear at family gatherings when someone thinks about it or sees the widow and says "psst...you know "      " 's husband committed suicide years ago?

A stigma that clings to the survivor as people wonder along with her if it could have been something that happened between them before the event. That she knows too.

You are gone and all this is left for those who knew and loved you. Does it surprise anyone  then that anger argues with pain of loss at this time. Anger that interrupts the mourning and confuses the ones mourning. Labeled selfish, suicide is a leaving that will take  loved ones years to accept and reconcile.

Rest in peace. That will elude those that loved you for years to come.