Tuesday Countdown, Tic Toc

I have moments of fright? Is it fright, depression or self pity?  I don't know how to get to a point of total acceptance. The tears start and stop. I have stern conversations with myself. I won't be having expanders put in as I have to have radiation therapy after this surgery.

I've been told that I can have flap reconstruction but upon researching this online, I've discovered that this may not be something I want to chance. Will it really be so bad not to have reconstruction done? I've always envied those women with small breasts and have never understood the need for all those enhancements that were being done. Is cleavage so important? I've toyed with the idea of a breast reduction as I've grown older but backed away because of the surgery that was not a necessity but more of a desire to wear a button up shirt comfortably or a dress that I didn't have to buy in two sizes larger then my waist and hips so  that it would accommodate my chest size. Maybe the time is here?

I've learned that there are a lot of women that don't feel the necessity for a reconstruction and all that it entails. My options on what I can have for this reconstruction are now a DIEP or a TRAM. John Hopkins have now stopped doing the TRAM. The transfer of skin from the stomach to the breast is a 12 hr. surgery. Nerves and blood vessels have to be reconnected. A "tummy tuck" is the added benefit but it comes with hazards which I'm not convinced is something I want to chance. Hernias and the restrictions of lifting only 20lbs, infection and necrosis of the transfer skin gives me pause. The recuperation time is twice as long as the implants that could have been done had I not had to have radiation therapy.

I haven't talked to a plastic surgeon about this. My surgeon says the main thing we are trying to do here is save my life. Cerebrally I know this. Emotionally I am not there. If I were in pain, I think this would be an easy step to take. When I needed a knee replacement, I didn't hesitate, though the pain of recuperation and therapy was expected. This is how I feel. It may be silly to others. I'm putting this in print, letters on a page which someday I will review. I may look back  on this as a shallow silly reaction to this time in my life.

My husband, bless his heart, said "Breasts are way overrated. They don't matter."

Thank you husband. You are a prize.

I've washed off the roadster and dropped the top. I'm going to drive it to the school to pick up Carrie. It won't be driven for a while. Shifting a 5 speed transmission will be something I'll try again in a couple of weeks.

Tic Toc, Tic Toc.....
It's my reaction