What "They" Don't Tell You Until the Next Time

1. The mamo was done,  The results come back and the phone rings. "Can you follow up on a diagnostic mammo? The date is set. The results come back and a biospy is done.

Your General Practioner calls you in and every thing is downhill from there. When he mentions the results and then you hear the words "oncologist" the ride starts here lady.

Tests were quickly scheduled for a CT and a PET scan. The appointments were within days of each other and a surgeon wall called into place a Mediport. Sitting in the surgeon's office for our first visit he looked over the PET scan and saw a "thickening" and wanted know if I had has the colonscopy done. Negative on that. He stepped out his office and called Dr. Noel.
That appointment was quickly scheduled. "Day after tomorrow..NPO tomorrow and off for the test the next morning and again back to LGMC.

The first visit with the oncologist I was in tears. Tears that couldn't be stopped. She looked at me and
said "We can fix this. We all cried and we  believed her. The surgeon that gave us the news about the colon cancer said "we can fix this". Again we were are relieved.

I don't believe them. It's not that they are really lying to you. They give you as much as you can handle at the time.

I hate the words "Cancer survivor". It's like being called an American Hero because  you died  in me Middle East. That doesn't make you a hero....it just makes you dead and is supposed to make your family feel better. "A cancer survivor means you haven't died from it YET but you will.

My family doesn't understand and i surly can't tell them how I feel about this. They are so  happy to believe that I can be fixed. I'm angry, I'm scared and I look at them and know what I know.

Let them at least laugh and play and watch  their children grow. My husband continue to enjoy his  job and whatever we can do together for as long as we can.

I wanted to write this but I can't publish it until a later date. I don't want them to see this. I want them to be happy and  enjoy what time we have together.

I pushed the surgeon today. Pushed for information on the surgery in the colon. Finally  he conceded

It didn't metz to the liver; the first place it would go..The PET showed it was clear however micros-pic  could be there.  Ah...you see, I didn't have to know this...it would be a while before it came back and my that time I might have lived a few more  years. I feel the same way about the breast cancer. She said she could fix me and I would not die from this..BUT she also knows it might be some other body part that get is and is the cause.

This will be kept in draft form on this blog site. It won't be published although it was supposed to be a blog  about how I felt through this whole thing. I can't publish this now.