I suppose since this was to be a written log of my journey on the cancer diagnosis, I should post today's tests.
I won't go into a descriptive detailed report of the test today. My emotions aren't stable enough right now to do that.
Maybe the results aren't as important as noting the emotions. I feel drained. Terribly scared and tearful. Getting negative news hurls one into a state of shock. I can't even think of what direction I should be moving. Crawling into bed and shutting out the world is what I'm doing right now.
I'll be back with a better more detailed report later. Right now I have not much to say.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Colonoscopy Prep or Somebody FEED ME!
Clinical report: I made my way to the gastro dept at LGMC and collected the bowel prep kit. Clear liquids today. I started out with jello and apple juice around 1400 hrs. By 1600 hrs I could imagine Bugsy, hairless and being roasted to a nice dark brown on the outside pit.
1800 hrs: Bouillon. Who ever thought it would be so tasty. I dropped two cubes into a cup of hot water and settled back to sip slowly the best culinary experience of my life.
From there the experience of the evening took a sharp plunge on "the scale of having fun"
6 oz of the special juice poured into 10 ozs of cold water and consume all within an hour followed immediately by 32 ozs of water. I was prepared for this rodeo.
Picture this ...or not. Personal preference on picturing this but I'm gonna give you a brief description of my evening,
A TV tray parked in front of the toilet. My iPad, telephone, a book and my reading glasses occupy the table. I occupy the throne or the seat of honor.
What better time to write a blog. You may have read them. April's Birthday and another the bunny. Yes ma'am..those were bought to you direct from the throne room here in my humble home.
I was in here so long (have you guessed that's where I am right now?) that the husband kept calling to check on me. He called....from a distance....a few times...lol.
This room is now called The Toxic Room.
I made my way to bed and snuggled down with my Ambien. The alarm on my phone was set to blast me out of bed at 0315. I beat the alarm by awakening on my own.
I'm back in The Toxic Room imaging those sounds I hear are of a bad rain storm, heavy rain and much thunder. Are you following me here on the metaphors?
My colonoscopy is scheduled for 0815 this morning. I hope I'm dethroned by that time.
Hope your day brings you steaks, chops, spaghetti, soups, salads, apple crisp, corn bread; plates overflowing with food. I might be a little hungry here in the Toxic Room.
I've made plans to have a lunch wagon parked in front of my house when I return from this test.
Have a great day my friends!
1800 hrs: Bouillon. Who ever thought it would be so tasty. I dropped two cubes into a cup of hot water and settled back to sip slowly the best culinary experience of my life.
From there the experience of the evening took a sharp plunge on "the scale of having fun"
6 oz of the special juice poured into 10 ozs of cold water and consume all within an hour followed immediately by 32 ozs of water. I was prepared for this rodeo.
Picture this ...or not. Personal preference on picturing this but I'm gonna give you a brief description of my evening,
A TV tray parked in front of the toilet. My iPad, telephone, a book and my reading glasses occupy the table. I occupy the throne or the seat of honor.
What better time to write a blog. You may have read them. April's Birthday and another the bunny. Yes ma'am..those were bought to you direct from the throne room here in my humble home.
I was in here so long (have you guessed that's where I am right now?) that the husband kept calling to check on me. He called....from a distance....a few times...lol.
This room is now called The Toxic Room.
I made my way to bed and snuggled down with my Ambien. The alarm on my phone was set to blast me out of bed at 0315. I beat the alarm by awakening on my own.
I'm back in The Toxic Room imaging those sounds I hear are of a bad rain storm, heavy rain and much thunder. Are you following me here on the metaphors?
My colonoscopy is scheduled for 0815 this morning. I hope I'm dethroned by that time.
Hope your day brings you steaks, chops, spaghetti, soups, salads, apple crisp, corn bread; plates overflowing with food. I might be a little hungry here in the Toxic Room.
I've made plans to have a lunch wagon parked in front of my house when I return from this test.
Have a great day my friends!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Loaded for Bunny
"Bugsy...heeeeree Bugsy..come on girl."
Does she know and if so, who told her?
I crept up to her condo empty handed. Her harness was left on the table on the patio. Why cause her any extra stress until it was absolutely necessary.
"Bugsy! Come here girl. Mama's not gonna hurt ya."
Giving up on gentle coaxing, I opened the front door to her condo and almost stretched out on the ground, I peeked in. She laid close to her back door leading to her run.
One pink eye surveyed me. Bugsy knew? Well, no..that's silly is't it? She has no friends and no Facebook page. How would she have been alerted?
She slipped out the cloth covered door into her run. All of me had to be lifted off the ground. I have a metal knee that does not flex totally so I'm slow to rise from any position lower then chair level.
No longer able to spring from a floor sitting position by scissoring my legs and popping straight upward, I have to settle for an ungainly, awkward four point rise. Hands and knees planted on the ground, I bring the good leg forward, plant that foot and heave myself upward. It's nothing pretty to witness.
Finally I'm able to make it around the condo and to the bunny's run. She is in the far corner out of reach and ignoring my begging. Turning, I headed for the patch of clover. Bugsy has a clover tooth like most people have a sweet tooth. Ah the smell of fresh wrenched out of the ground clover!
In a hop or three, she was at the drop down door to the run nibbling on her treat. I let her nibble for a bit.
It was time now to haul her out of her little patch of lawn. Cuddling her to my chest, we headed for the patio and her harness. I sat in a chair and she laid across my chest just below my chin. It took a bit of maneuvering. I'm sorry about that right front paw Bugsy. I didn't realize it was trapped in that part of the harness. No harm done. I unsnapped it and pulled her foot out and reconnected it beneath her chin.
Wanda, my bunny go to person, told me to hold her by her ears and she wouldn't be able to defend herself against me. I grasped her ears, apologizing the whole time for doing it and managed to get the back of the harness fastened beneath her hind quarters.
All in all it went well. I had no scratches or teeth marks on me and Bugsy had her harness on. I took her back to her run and released her to wear her harness for 1/2 hr. This is but a training period for her to get used to wearing it. Some day the leash will be attached and we can walk the bunny!
Carrie is going to be so excited. We are hoping Bugsy's feelings are mutual.
Does she know and if so, who told her?
I crept up to her condo empty handed. Her harness was left on the table on the patio. Why cause her any extra stress until it was absolutely necessary.
"Bugsy! Come here girl. Mama's not gonna hurt ya."
Giving up on gentle coaxing, I opened the front door to her condo and almost stretched out on the ground, I peeked in. She laid close to her back door leading to her run.
One pink eye surveyed me. Bugsy knew? Well, no..that's silly is't it? She has no friends and no Facebook page. How would she have been alerted?
She slipped out the cloth covered door into her run. All of me had to be lifted off the ground. I have a metal knee that does not flex totally so I'm slow to rise from any position lower then chair level.
No longer able to spring from a floor sitting position by scissoring my legs and popping straight upward, I have to settle for an ungainly, awkward four point rise. Hands and knees planted on the ground, I bring the good leg forward, plant that foot and heave myself upward. It's nothing pretty to witness.
Finally I'm able to make it around the condo and to the bunny's run. She is in the far corner out of reach and ignoring my begging. Turning, I headed for the patch of clover. Bugsy has a clover tooth like most people have a sweet tooth. Ah the smell of fresh wrenched out of the ground clover!
In a hop or three, she was at the drop down door to the run nibbling on her treat. I let her nibble for a bit.
It was time now to haul her out of her little patch of lawn. Cuddling her to my chest, we headed for the patio and her harness. I sat in a chair and she laid across my chest just below my chin. It took a bit of maneuvering. I'm sorry about that right front paw Bugsy. I didn't realize it was trapped in that part of the harness. No harm done. I unsnapped it and pulled her foot out and reconnected it beneath her chin.
Wanda, my bunny go to person, told me to hold her by her ears and she wouldn't be able to defend herself against me. I grasped her ears, apologizing the whole time for doing it and managed to get the back of the harness fastened beneath her hind quarters.
All in all it went well. I had no scratches or teeth marks on me and Bugsy had her harness on. I took her back to her run and released her to wear her harness for 1/2 hr. This is but a training period for her to get used to wearing it. Some day the leash will be attached and we can walk the bunny!
Carrie is going to be so excited. We are hoping Bugsy's feelings are mutual.
April's Birthday
Happy Birthday Baby! I know we planned lunch with a few of your friends and I'm sorry that didn't happen. I know you know the reason. Another test is scheduled for tomorrow and that makes me on a clear liquid diet. There goes that Monte Cristo that used to be our birthday tradition. Give me a few days and we shall make that date.
I love you. As usual in mother/daughter relationships, we have had our ups and downs. I don't think they have been anything away from ordinary for most relationships between two women.
The most difficult thing in a mother's life is to know when to give up BEING a mother. It never occurred to me that I would have to learn to not automatically give my opinion on what you were doing. It was a shock to have to step back and realize that you were not a child any longer and that you be allowed to make your own decisions while I stood silently by. The "silently by" was something it took me a long time to "get".
I get it. I'm sorry it took me so long to get that far.
You have always had my back and I yours. Sometimes it might not have seemed that way. It's rough being a mom and rougher still to not be one,
I love you all the time.
Mom
I love you. As usual in mother/daughter relationships, we have had our ups and downs. I don't think they have been anything away from ordinary for most relationships between two women.
The most difficult thing in a mother's life is to know when to give up BEING a mother. It never occurred to me that I would have to learn to not automatically give my opinion on what you were doing. It was a shock to have to step back and realize that you were not a child any longer and that you be allowed to make your own decisions while I stood silently by. The "silently by" was something it took me a long time to "get".
I get it. I'm sorry it took me so long to get that far.
You have always had my back and I yours. Sometimes it might not have seemed that way. It's rough being a mom and rougher still to not be one,
I love you all the time.
Mom
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